Are you a single sugar daddy or sugar baby? Maybe you've already met a few like-minded people through some sugar baby online dating apps and started your first date. Although you don't have any mutual friends with your potential sugar baby, she is very attractive, you have some overlapping interests, and she manages to make you laugh once or twice. When she suggests drinking, you think, why not? Then you're in a dimly lit bar, trying to figure out how you feel about her. So far, she's told a few jokes that make you feel a little weird -- jokes about how bad guys are, about how every sugar daddy she's dated is an idiot, about how she once killed a male stripper -- and you've noticed you're not enjoying yourself that much.
Then, as she puts her hand on your knee, you remember a recent story about a friend of yours who was drugged and raped by a woman. In yesterday's news, you heard about a man who was recently murdered by his ex-girlfriend. You take a sip of your drink and pretend to smile. Your date is still talking, but you decide that no matter how good she does in bed, it's not worth it. You tell her you're going to the bathroom, get up, head for the door, and walk quickly, just in case.
Most likely, you've now realized that this isn't a real-life scenario of a man dating a man-hating feminist -- it's a gender-reversal scenario, a thought experiment exploring what it's like for a woman to date a man who hates women. One of the biggest obstacles for women today is a straight man who hates women, and his anger toward them is palpable. Over the past few years, as sports and other technologies mediate cultural shifts in gender roles and relationships, the reality of male physical, sexual and emotional violence against women has come to the forefront from an open secret, an ongoing headline-making discussion of the role, and the root causes of male anger against women.
We live in an age when men can no longer do whatever they want and expect to get away with it. Not so long ago, men who went unpunished for women were safe because they knew the charges would not be believed, the police would not investigate, jurors would not convict, and the media would not report them. Thankfully, this is no longer the case.
There is a growing awareness that male anger against women is not the end product, but a seed. Every man who ACTS violently against a woman -- every man who beats a woman, rapes a woman, kills a woman -- starts out angry with a woman. This is not just speculation. School shootings, murderers and domestic terrorists often have domestic violence charges or convictions on their criminal records, which have become part of academic research on how male violence works. Women are increasingly aware that men hurting women close to them is the first step towards more serious violence.
This is not to say that every man who is cruel to women ends up committing violent or criminal ACTS, but spotting a red flag that a man is malicious toward a woman in the early stages of a relationship can definitely derail a deal. So, this is what you might get. You think your date went well, but you start saying crap -- talking about a female pop star, mocking certain women as sluts, or saying someone should be harassed for what they did or said. You think you're just chatting, but suddenly the woman sitting next to you starts planning to leave early.
This may sound like an overreaction, but in an environment where the worst case scenario for a man is violence or murder, it makes sense that women are increasingly sensitive to signs that men don't like women. Perhaps he thinks women's success is less deserved than men's, or that women shouldn't do things the way they want, or worse, that male violence against women is somehow justified.
Recognizing that these views are not neutral, natural or cold, but explicitly opposed to women, is the first step in defusing anger. The second step is a little more complicated. Once you realize that you are angry with women, you need to find out why and work to change the situation.
I think going to therapy would be a good place to start, because your anger may stem from past experiences, such as feeling unloved by your mother or her image when you were young. You may also be dealing with the trauma of a difficult relationship with a fellow woman, a bad breakup with an ex, or a series of rejections or humiliations that have caused you to lose trust in women in general. A healthier approach, of course, is to recognize that your problem is specific to a particular woman or a particular female behavior, not to all women. If you have women in your life who are close to or trust you, opening up to them can also help you deal with anger issues. You shouldn't expect a female friend, relative, friend, or colleague (or stranger!). To help you accomplish the anger you feel toward women, but there may also be someone in your life who wants to help you and is willing to talk to you about gender and how your perception of it affects your life.
What you should definitely do is start listening to women. Whether it's reading books written by women, watching movies made by women, following women on Twitter, or listening to female-led podcasts, create an important space in your life for women's voices and opinions. As a result, many men who are deeply frustrated or angry with women are increasingly reluctant to engage in meaningful interactions with women when dealing with the issue. But doing so will only leave you in the dark about women's true identity and explain their behavior with your own reasons for frustration.
As a result, more and more, the likelihood that you will be rejected for a reply, a date or a kiss is not due to your lack of looks, strength or masculinity. It's not the size of your penis, your car or your wallet. This is because your anger at women is more obvious than you think. So, to have a sweet date with the sugar baby you're dating, you need to recognize your anger and throw it away, or things will get worse.